First Tears Over the Loss of Your Child

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In such heartfelt and intimate ways, they forge a deep bond with their baby, even long before the birth. And even though you never got the chance to know your baby in the ways we normally think of knowing someone, your hopes and dreams for this child are held dear. You have not only experienced the death of a child, you have lost the chance to see this baby grow, become a vital part of the family, and realize his or her potential. Death thwarts your best intentions and breaks your heart. Indeed, after your baby dies, you may have moments when you doubt that you can survive this ordeal.

Your longing, anger , sadness, and despair can run so deep that you may wonder if you will ever emerge from the abyss. As always, take in what fits for you; set aside the others to consider down the road. Have faith that eventually you will feel better.

Beautiful Statement From Prophet ﷺ Filled With Tears To His Son Death - Mufti Menk

Thank you. I needed a reminder on some of these. With holidays coming up and my son was stillborn on his due date, unexpectedly in December, I really needed to read this. You're so welcome.

And I'm so sorry. Indeed, the holiday season is hard for many bereaved parents, but for you, it's more complicated with your baby's coinciding anniversary date. My thoughts are with you and your baby son. My sister in law and my brother came to hospital and stayed with me while the funeral for my baby Brandy was going on. Their visit would have been ok but my sister in law was 8 months pregnant.

When they were at hospital i felt so much pain and hurt and resental all at the same time. Its been 40 years and its hard to forget. Your story is heartbreaking on many levels. Forty years ago, hospital-based bereavement care was crude at best, and though well-meaning, usually consisted of the mother being "protected" from seeing her baby, attending the funeral, or engaging in other mourning rituals. As a result, this traumatic bereavement was often made more traumatic, and as you say, even though it's been 40 years, you vividly remember the pain.

Questions That Children May Ask

You might also find helpful a blogpost I recently wrote about why this grief is so very hard-- for Breastfeeding World, an organization which participated in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There is more support out there for you and it's never too late to seek more comfort and healing. With warm wishes, Debbie.

Deborah L. Davis, Ph. How practicing compassion benefits parents—and you too! Part 3: To ease parents' suffering, practice "accept and connect.

Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child

Back Psychology Today. Grief can take over your mind and sometimes affect your short-term memory and you may find it difficult to remember things that have just happened. My husband and I requested no visitors. We checked in via text with our parents to let them know we were OK, but ultimately we just cocooned ourselves together at home. We needed to sit and cry and try to absorb what had happened. The immediate moments or days after their stillbirth are often described as a blur. It can leave you feeling in shock, numb and disconnected. Some mums felt they could not leave home and dreaded having to explain to an acquaintance where their baby was.

Others decided to visit their antenatal group, which was often a distressing but positive experience. Pregnancy was focused on the outcome of being a mother. I had to create a new life and I no longer knew what I liked, wanted or needed. At Tommy's we often hear from women and men who are bombarded with ads promoting maternity and baby products after loss, which can be really distressing. Many women feel they have failed as mothers. Your own mortality can come to the fore — if a tiny baby can die so can anyone.

Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss - Grief In Common

Anger is a very natural part of grief. Many parents direct this towards the hospital, and at other times to-wards friends and family. All the feelings we mention here are normal. The information on this page is for both parents, but it needs to be acknowledged that fathers can be for-gotten after a baby is stillborn.

Men and women may grieve differently. Some men find it difficult to express their emotions and their feelings can get locked up. This can be misunderstood as indifference to the loss of their baby. Many men take on the role of protector in the family; supporting their wife or partner and not allowing time for their own grief. It is not unusual for men to take on the practicalities and keep themselves busy. You will both need time and space to grieve. This may happen after the funeral if there is one, or possibly many weeks later.

It was a good distraction. I ran a lot and I kept doing that. I signed up for marathons. Running got me away for a few hours at a time and gave me a way to switch off. I was functioning but I was on autopilot. People might not have noticed too much. Read more about supporting each other as a couple. Family and friends may want to rally around.


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Some parents will appreciate this, others might find it exhausting. This is a time to be honest about what you need. If you have trusted friends or family and are able to cope with having them around these are things they can help with:. It might help to circulate our page on 'How to give support' to friends and family who want to know how they can help you. Most women, will agree that the emotional pain is infinitely more difficult to bear than the physical discomfort of giving birth.

These hormonal changes might make your grief even harder to cope with in the early weeks and months. You will also have to cope with the physical effects of giving birth. You will bleed heavily for the first few days after the birth, you may have painful stitches or after-pains as the uterus contracts back to its normal size. Your breasts will produce milk and this can lead to painful engorgement.

Talk to your midwife about how to manage your milk coming in. The physical side-effects of giving birth can be very difficult to cope with and it can feel like nature is play-ing a cruel trick on you. Read more about coping with the physical effects of a stillbirth.


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  • I was sadly unable to take any medication to stop it, so I was told to compress my breasts with tighter tops to try and stem the supply. The hospital will tell your GP, community midwife and health visitor what has happened so they can offer you care and support once you are home. You might want to ask your GP to put a note on your record so it is immediately obvious to anyone you deal with in future what has happened. Although it may be difficult and heart-breaking, it is important to ensure you attend all your post-natal appointments.

    It might help to call your GP and find out in advance of appointments what will happen so you can prepare yourself. Read more about postnatal care after a stillbirth. You may have physical reactions to your grief. Heart palpitations, shaking, chest pains, diarrhoea, butter-flies in your stomach and sickness are all common.

    It is important to try to look after yourself after the birth. You may not feel like eating or drinking but you need to try to keep physically strong to cope with the emotional trauma. Many women felt it was very difficult to leave the house, but if you feel able to do so, parents often report that once they went out they felt that being outdoors in the fresh air helped.